wide awake.


they don't know nothing about redemption.

May 29, 2012

so today i tried to create a sexy gif for David and yes, i was topless. well i don’t have a good software for my webcam so i used a website called ‘gifyo’ and set all of my settings to  private. even though i submit topless photos and want to become a model for Suicide Girls, that doesn’t mean i want to show my breasts off to everyone.  so i made my sexy little gif and published it to what i thought what my private timeline on the website. suddenly i was being bombarded with messages and i quickly checked my facebook because, well… i’d logged in with it the first time.

sure enough, it had been posted on my public facebook wall. thankfully when i deleted it from the original website, it was deleted from my facebook but someone saw it as far as know. lord knows who else saw it.

i’m so humiliated. i feel like a fucking idiot.

May 16, 2012

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never be pretty enough for my boyfriend. I always feel like I’m too fat or too ugly or too something. And lately I’ve caught him checking other girls out and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’m trying to lose weight but it won’t budge! I feel like a major disappointment— like I’m holding him back. He could get any girl he wanted but he’s stuck with my porky ass. 

Maybe I’m just obsessive and over thinking everything…
but I’m so worried.

I couldn’t bare to lose him because I’m disgusting. I just want to be perfect for him. I don’t mean to but every time we go out I size everyone up, like they’re a threat and its just pathetic! I want to stop being so negative but what if I let my guard down and someone steals him away? I just couldn’t take it…

remember how we used to party up all night?
sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life;
drinking in the small town firelight—
Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice.

sweet sixteen and we had arrived;
walking down the street as they whistle, “Hi, hi!”
stealin’ police cars with the senior guys—
teachers said we’d never make it out alive.

there she was: my new best friend,
high heels in her hands, swayin’ in the wind,
while she starts to cry, mascara runnin’ down her little Bambi eyes:
“Lana, how I hate those guys.”

this is what makes us girls:
we don’t look for heaven and we put our love first.
don’t you know we’d die for it? it’s a curse.
don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it.
this is what makes us girls:
we don’t stick together ‘cause we put our love first.
don’t cry about him, don’t cry about him;
it’s all gonna happen.

and that’s where the beginning of the end begun:
everybody knew that we had too much fun.
we were skippin’ school and drinkin’ on the job—
with the boss.

sweet sixteen and we had arrived.
baby’s table dancin’ at the local dive,
cheerin’ our names in the pink spotlight,
drinkin’ cherry schnapps in the velvet night.

know we used to go break in
to the hotel pool, glittering we’d swim.
runnin’ from the cops in our black bikini tops;
screaming, “get us while we’re hot!”
“we don’t give a whaaat!”

this is what makes us girls:
we don’t look for heaven and we put our love first.
don’t you know we’d die for it? it’s a curse.
don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it.
this is what makes us girls:
we don’t stick together ‘cause we put our love first.
don’t cry about him, don’t cry about him;
it’s all gonna happen.

the prettiest crowd that you had ever seen—
ribbons in our hair and our eyes gleamed mean.
a freshmen generation of degenerate beauty queens;
and you know something?

they were the only friends i ever had.
we got into trouble and when stuff got bad
i got sent away;i was waving on the train platform,
crying ‘cause i know i’m never comin’ back.

this is what makes us girls:
we don’t look for heaven and we put our love first.
don’t you know we’d die for it? it’s a curse.
don’t cry about it, don’t cry about it.
this is what makes us girls:
we don’t stick together ‘cause we put our love first.
don’t cry about him, don’t cry about him;
it’s all gonna happen.

this is what makes us girls now, baby.
this is why we rule the world now, baby.
this is what makes us girls now, baby.
why we rule the world now, baby, oh.

this is what makes us girls now, baby.
this is why we rule the world now, baby.
this is what makes us girls now, baby.
why we rule the world now, baby, oh.